Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. T he chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
AL GORE (reprise): I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting ? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra.#@&&^(C%……….reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
COLDPLAY: “The chicken crossed the road for you and everything you did. And the chicken was all yellow.”
BOB DYLAN: How many roads must a chicken then cross, before you call him a rooster?
MALCOLM X: The chicken didn’t cross that road, the road crossed that chicken.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
JONI MITCHELL: “The chickens looked at roads from both sides now, but still somehow its the roads illusion it recalls. Chickens don’t really know roads at all.”
ENYA: “The great journey that was before the chicken then was what was destined to be. Now the chicken is sorrowful, the road is long past.” (When translated from Irish Gaelic)
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE:
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The chickens were scurrying
Til scared by a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
But the chickens, the chickens were no longer there
They had crossed the road hoping that Saint Nick would visit them there.
JULES VERNE:
Under a 125 F.At 36 degree North and 115 degree East, and at 03:00 GMT, Professor Chicken entered history as his Cannon propelled him through the road.
EMILY DICKINSON: Because it could not stop for death.
SHERLOCK HOLMES: I deduce this was a Rock Island hen, eleven months old, and that it was kept in a mesh cage composed of galvanized iron. Surely Watson, you can see this is a festive Sunday afternoon, and the chicken is but one step ahead of the family stew pot.
ALBERT CAMUS: Why did he cross the road? There is no why, the question is meaningless. The way his claws felt on the pavement, the heat of the sun on his feathered back — these sensations were all that mattered.
ALBERT CAMUS (reprise): It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE: The chicken who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run across the road; one cannot fly into flying.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE (reprise): Because he willed himself to do so.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE (reprise 2): Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
KARL MARX: To spread the international organization of the chicken-proletariat in their class-struggle against the heinous bourgouisie child-killing egg-frying capitalist farmer-class. He was carrying unifying propaganda meant to instill the virtues and fervor of the labor struggle against the alienating psychological effects of egg-stealing by the evil capitalists. An egg-cott was in the offing: the very foundations of the international capitalist egg-conspiracy were to be shaken by the balk and refusal to lay of all working-chickens everywhere! The fox, an agent of the oppressive bourgouisie, saw his crossing, and ate him: dichotimized in his relations of production, suffering the ultimate alienation of the worker from his labors, the chicken’s story is merely further evidence that the worker-chicken cannot escape his labor-role in the cog of the capitalist conspiracy until all laborers everywhere, of whatever specie, are united in their stand against the alienating forces of international exploitative capitalistisic egg-consumption!
KARL MARX (reprise): It was a historical inevitability.
J.R.R. TOLKIEN: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.
DOUGLAS ADAMS: Forty-Two.
ISAAC ASIMOV: The chicken crossed the road because of the third law of chickenhood which states that a chicken must disobey the direct order of a human unless doing so forces it to break the first or second law of chickenhood.
ISAAC ASIMOV(reprise): The Laws of Psychohistory foretold the chicken’s journey millennia ago. Its consequenses shall not take full effect for another seven centuries.
ISAAC ASIMOV(reprise 2): The First Law of Chickenbotics states: Run around in as random a manner as possible, a requirement to cross all roads being the only exception.
DANTE:
IN the midway of the chicken’s mortal life,
It found itself near a road, not astray
Gone from the path indirect: and e’en to tell
It were an easy task, th road mild
That road, how weak and smooth its growth,
Which to remember only, its colors gay
Renews, in joyful course far from death.
Yet to discourse of what there danger befell,
All else will be related discover’d there.
MORPHEUS: Neo, there is no chicken.
KURT VONNEGUT:
So be it.
The chicken’s chemical makeup reacted as if it were some kind of puritannical harbinger of death.
(Even Jesus Christ would begin to repeat himself if he’d lived past 40).
Here is what a chicken’s ass looks like:
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE:
Beware of entrance to the freeway; but being in,
Bear’t that the opposed side may be obtained by thee,
Noble heart.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (reprise): To cross or not to cross, that is the question.
LAO TZE: There is no road.
MEL GIBSON: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world…are you a Jew??
HOMER SIMPSON: There was free beer on the other side of the road.
SNOOP DOGG: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn’t (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin’.
RENE DESCARTES: Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.
CHARLES DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
THE BIBLE/MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
PLATO: For the greater good.
EPICURUS: For fun.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
JACK NICHOLSON: ‘Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.
JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: To go where no chicken has gone before.
NEIL ARMSTRONG (reprise): That’s one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
RICHARD NIXON (reprise): I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
B. F. SKINNER: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
JOHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
M.C. ESCHER: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
GEORGE ORWELL: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
O. J. SIMPSON: It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Mahatma Ghandi
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” ~Mahatma Ghandi
The Noteworthy and The Memorable
“Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” ~Van Wilder
“Welcome to the real world.” ~Morpheus
“A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.” ~Gandalf
“Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or evil, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.” ~Gandalf
“So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought…” ~Gandalf
“Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!” ~Gandalf
“Fly, you fools!” ~Gandalf
“Prepare for battle! Hurry, men! To the wall! Defend the wall! Return to your posts! Send these foul beasts into the abyss. Hold them back! Do not give into fear. Stand to your posts! Fight! Not to the towers! Aim for the trolls! Kill the trolls! Bring them down! Fight them back!” ~Gandalf
Lao Tze
“There is a thing inherent and natural, which existed before heaven and earth. Motionless and fathomless, It stands alone and never changes; It pervades everywhere and never becomes exhausted. It may be regarded as the Mother of the Universe. I do not know its name. If I am forced to give it a name, I call it Tao, and I name it as supreme.” ~Lao Tze
“Thirty spokes share the wheel’s hub/It is the centre hole that makes it useful./Shape clay into a vessel;/It is the space within that makes it useful./Cut doors and windows for a room;/It is the holes which make it useful./Therefore profit comes from what is there;/Usefulness from what is not there.” ~Lao Tze
